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Addressing Bullying Behavior

Regardless of age, when a child shows aggressive behavior toward others — such as bullying — it is important to respond with both clarity and care.

Understanding Why Children Bully Others

Instead of seeing it simply as “bad behavior,” pausing to understand what may be driving your child’s actions is the most important step toward responding in a constructive and lasting way.

Emotional Struggles

Children may bully to cope with their own feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, or past negative experiences.

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Possible Reasons include:

  • Low self-esteem or believing that they are powerless in their decisions
  • Difficulty managing anger, frustration, or other strong emotions
  • Experiencing stress at home, such as family conflict or major life changes
  • Using aggression as a way to feel in control or important

Social Dynamics

They might be seeking status, fitting in with peers, or modeling behavior they’ve witnessed.

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Possible Reasons include:

  • Wanting to gain popularity or social power within a peer group
  • Imitating aggressive behavior seen at home, school or in media
  • Being pressured by peers to participate in group bullying or exclusion
  • Lack of positive role models demonstrating respectful behavior

Social Dynamics

They might be seeking status, fitting in with peers, or modeling behavior they’ve witnessed.

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Possible Reasons include:

  • Difficulty understanding or recognizing others’ feelings and perspectives
  • Not knowing how to resolve disagreements without aggression
  • Struggling to communicate their needs or frustrations appropriatley
  • LImited experience with positive problem-solving strategies

Steps You Can Take

Taking action now can help your child develop healthier relationships.

1

Stay Calm and Open

Approach the conversation without anger or blame. Your child needs to feel safe to be honest with you.

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Choose a quiet, private time to talk

Use ‘I’ statements: ‘I’m concerned about…’

Listen without interrupting

2

Acknowledge the Behavior

Be clear that the behavior is unacceptable while separating the action from your child’s worth as a person.

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Be specific about what happened

Explain the impact on others

Avoid labels like ‘bully’ or ‘mean kid’

3

Explore the ‘Why’

Help your child identify what’s driving the behavior. Are they angry, seeking attention, or following orders?

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Ask open-ended questions (e.g., ‘What was going through your mind when that happened?’)

Validate their feelings while addressing actions (e.g., ‘I understand you felt angry, but it’s never okay to take it out on someone’)

Look for patterns or triggers (e.g., Does it happen after rejection, during unstructured time, or with certain peers?)

4

Set Clear Expectations

Establish specific, positive behaviors you expect and consistent consequences for bullying.

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Create clear, written rules together, (e.g., ‘I will not cal lpeople names, spread rumors, or exclude others on purpose’)

Focus on what TO do, not just what not to do (e.g., ‘I will say “I need space right now” or “I’m upset, I need a minute” when I’m frustrated’)

Use consequences that repair harm, not just punishment (e.g., if your child excluded someone, they might write an apology and invite that person to join an activity)

5

Monitor and Follow Through

Stay involved, communicate with school staff, and recognize positive changes.

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Schedule regular check-ins with teachers and counselors

Supervise your child’s online activities (regardless of age) and stay aware of their friends

Celebrate progress, even small improvements (e.g., ‘I noticed you walked away when you felt angry instead of saying something hurtful—that took real self-control’)

Professional Support & Resources

If your child is showing aggression toward others, it can be helpful to seek guidance from your child’s school and, if needed, outside professionals. You don’t have to handle this alone — professional support can offer clarity, practical strategies, and meaningful help for both you and your child.

When to Seek Immediate Help

If the bullying involves physical violence, weapons, threats of serious harm, or if your child shows signs of severe emotional distress, call 911 or contact a mental health professional or crisis counselor immediately.